Makin' it real.

First things first, I know most of you are thinking - you spent a week with your babies, and no pictures yet? Hang tight. I have some serious picture posts ready to go as soon as we get the "clear" from our agency that our court decree has arrived. That's all we're waiting for!! IN the meantime...  a current reflection. ('Cuz after this, we're gonna spend a lot of time on the past most wonderful week of Cary's and my life.)

Long drives are just ripe for the Lord to speak to me. I used to think I would miss those long car rides of think/pray/hear time once Cary and I got married. Turns out, God doesn't slow down on His communication just because there are two of you in the car.

At the VERY beginning of our trip to our boys, we departed Blacksburg to drive home for some visit time before getting a couple hours of sleep and driving to the airport in DC. Cary and I were excited, and - as is typical - non-stop conversing. We were just leaving town when a song I'd heard a few times before on the radio came on. Cary was talking about something I was really enjoying, so I didn't interrupt him, but the words to the chorus just blazed in the background, and my heart swelled a little with their truth, even as he talked.

When we were on the plane just a few hours out from Addis Ababa, our destination, I could no longer sleep but most people around us were doing a good job, so I put on my headphones. My sister made us a special mix for the trip (she's awesome like that), and the second track was the same one I'd heard before. As I focused on the words, my insides started racing, and I knew the Lord was giving me what I like to call a new "theme song." When I try to explain my "theme songs" to people for the first time, I think of Kronk's theme song in "The Emperor's New Groove." (Don't know what I'm talking about? We can't have that. Click HERE.) Before you dismiss me because I'm a person who apparently feels self-important enough to have her own theme songs, let me try to explain? Beginning in high school, over some of the most formative years of my faith I did a lot of talking to the Lord, and He sometimes responded in the timely drop of a certain song. When I heard it, I knew He was speaking to me through it, and I would cling to it for that season, trying to glean all of the truth in it He had for me to apply to that point in life. The songs seemed so central to the season I was in, they felt like life-themes for that time. Thus, my "theme songs" began, a list which now seems pretty special since I can kind of trace the things I was learning with and about God through it. Ok, moving on...

This season the words to my theme song have been encouraging, and (most recently) pretty convicting. I don't know about you, but now that I have been doing some of the same jobs/ministries for consecutive years, I've discovered an auto-pilot setting that can get me in trouble. Ex: It's possible to teach an entire 6th grade band class without investing the heart I have in the past, and get a similar result. It's possible to smile at a student who needs a smile, without actually feeling compassion for them. It's possible to "take the higher road" in response to a co-worker, look like I've done the bigger thing, but still feel resentment inside. And those things are wrong. The truth that the Lord is pressing upon me is, the THINGS that I do don't matter if I'm not sincere in my heart. If I do the right thing, but don't mean it in the deepest part of my soul, I may as well not have done it. Our God is not a god of deeds. He is a God of love. 1 John 4:8 says, "Whoever does not know love does not know God, because God is love." I deeply, sincerely want the things I'm doing with my life to please God. And for that to happen, I've got to be doing them out of my love for Him. I sometimes forget that when I choose to simply go through the motions, or to reserve a below-the-surface opinion for myself, He is not pleased, but He's shaking that up.

Thank You, Lord for calling me out on this. Thank You for sparing me a lot of action for nothing. I'm asking for the increased desire to keep doing the things You've called me to purely out of my love for You.

Enjoy the lyrics to this song by "For King and Country," (or just listen HERE), and see if they don't stir you to sincerity.

The Proof Of Your Love

If I sing but don't have love
I waste my breathe with every song
I bring, an empty voice
A hollow noise

If I speak with a silver tongue
Convince a crowd but don't have love
I leave a bitter taste
With every word I say

(Chorus)
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You're made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

If I give to a needy soul
But don't have love then who is poor
It seems all the poverty
Is found in me

(Chorus)

When it's all said and done
When we sing our final song
Only love remains
Only love remains

(Chorus)

Thanksgiving

On our way home for a family Thanksgiving dinner before flying out for Ethiopia tomorrow morning, Cary said to me, "Every mile we drive gets us a mile closer to our boys." And I sank one inch deeper into the reality that I will finally get to hold the sweet little people God is entrusting to us, that in a week they will legally be ours. A little anxiety swept over me. What if I'm not ready to be a mom? What if I realize I'm not the mom I want to be? What if I can't do this? And then the whisper of a memory came to mind and it filled me with joy...

Not long before I was born, my mom was in the hospital. She knew it was time to deliver, but an unexpected rush of emotion swept over her - despite the joy and expectation she'd carried for 9 months, the excitement about meeting me froze. My mom slipped into the restroom where she actually intended to hide. She felt increasingly sure she did not want to have her baby anymore; that she'd rather just keep (me) inside. The fear continued to grow, and my mom began to talk to God. I can't do this. If this baby is going to be born, You are going to have to do this. She felt peace having given me to God, and very shortly after, I was born.

Of course, my mom has always been a super mom. She read and sang with us, kissed hundreds of boo-boos, packed thousands of lunches, encouraged and pushed us when needed, celebrated wins and coached us through fails... Her OB-GYN actually calls her "the child whisperer." But greater than all of that still, is the attitude my mom had from the start. Her fear wasn't for herself, it was for me. And so, she gave me to God. Her prayer for me was that I would get to know and love God like she did. There is a song that sums this up, and so, became special to us as I was growing up. If you've never heard it, listen to it here:

You're a little piece of heaven
you're a golden ray of light
and I wish I could protect you
from the worries of this life
But if there's one thing i could tell you
it's no matter what you do
hold to Jesus, Hes holding onto you

The world will try to tell you
that might is more than right
and beauty's on the outside
and being good's a losing fight
but remember what I've told you
'cause the world will make you choose
Hold to Jesus, Hes holding onto you

Hold on to Jesus, and cling to his love
rest deep in his mercy, whenever things get rough
and don't lose sight of his goodness
and don't ever doubt this truth -
that when you hold onto Jesus,
He's holdin' onto you

Hear me dear Jesus,
rock this little one to sleep
keep her close when she's scared
and give her grace when she is weak
I know she'll stumble, but i know she'll make it through
if you hold onto just like you said you do
Hold her Jesus, so she'll hold on tight to you
-Erin O'Donnell

God answered my mom's prayer for me. He's always had His hand on me, and now I'm holding on to Him. How thankful I am for that. Today I am especially thankful for the joy of thinking (hoping) I see similarities in the beginning of my maternal journey that were present at the beginning of my mom's. As the reality of meeting my babies grows near, feelings like the ones my mom has described to me about the beginnings of motherhood stirred. (Even if they are feelings of fear and insecurity - I'm just thankful to recognize a parallel.) The Lord has been showing me a lot recently about how much we pass from one generation to the next. And since that's the case, thank you Mama, for the example of the most precious thing I can pass on to my boys.

Getting To Know This Pit in My Stomach

Alright. I haven't gotten to blog in awhile, because the back-to-school pace has taken off (dragging me like a kid whose backpack got stuck in the mini-van door) behind it. Nice, right? And then when I've had a second to spare, I haven't wanted to write. I haven't wanted to look at the gray thoughts in the back of my head. Is that not enough to make you want to join this psyche? Come on in...

Today after I was rudely gestured at for crossing the crazy Walmart parking lot after grabbing groceries two hours later than I meant to because I stayed at school 2 hours longer than I wanted to (and STILL didn't get my bulletin board finished- grrrrr...), I piled my groceries in the trunk on top of my husband's mobile tool workshop (I forgot I was in his car, because he took it to replace my tires - oh, and we were told this morning that in addition to replacing my tires and doing an alignment, we'd need to replace the tie rods - $1000 of almost adoption savings down the drain), God had a message ready for me, and as soon as I turned the ignition, this chorus came across the radio:

                                            "When the world has fallen out from under me, 
                                                        I'll be found in You, still standing."

 My boys turn 6 months old next week. Life is whirling pretty fast, but at the root of my stress is actually the knowledge that my boys are turning 6 months old... without me. At 6 months old babies are exploring their world. They're thinking about rolling over. They're making new noises, they're starting to study the faces of the people around them, and to enjoy interaction. I know that God's timing is perfect. I know they're getting good care. I should be so entirely distracted with more on my plate than I know what to do with. And yet, as of late, my thinking goes a little like this...

Need to copy the 6th grade handbooks that are on the printer and come up with an opening activity for my advisory. Still gotta do that bulletin board. My almost 6-month old boys are on another continent. BCC choir camp this weekend - need to gather plans for that tonight. The boys are healthy. Growing bigger all the time - which is good. Still haven't heard back about a schedule for children's choir at church, and I need to make song sheets for the first set I know I want to do with the teens. Man - I really need to sit down and start planning for those first teen meetings - I've had so many ideas. The boys don't know what I look like yet. Gotta dig in and do the things I'm supposed to do now, well. Gotta leave school stuff here. I'll grab groceries and make one of Cary's favorite meals to start off the week - I'll make tonight sort of representative of the way I want the year to feel. Home in the afternoons, cooking most nights, down-time... I need to get to bed early tonight since I'll want to be at school early on the first day. It's 5:00 and I'm still at Walmart. Never gonna happen. I just want to go lay in bed and look at their picture. Do I have time to cry it out? I wonder if anyone has posted new pictures on the agency website. I'm going to check before I make dinner. I'll probably lose 30 minutes. Probably no picture. Dinner, dinner... getting the evening done as quick as possible so we can go to bed early. Totally going to go looking for a picture.

Well, the bouncing thoughts from my zillions of undone tasks to my boys are endless - and I'm not sorry. It's kind of comforting to have the thought of my boys so close. Even if each time I think of them I feel a little bit sick to my stomach. This is only a season. I can taste the fact that it's going to end. While I'm starting to think I may be nauseous for every last minute of the rest of it, seasons of mourning are followed by seasons of light. (I read about that very thing this morning in Esther; the Jews were praying God would deliver them from the their impending genocide. They were weeping and mourning. And then one day, the news came. He delivered them! And they were instantly entered into a season of "gladness, light, joy, and honor." - Esther 8:16) There are people carrying far bigger hurts than my wishing I could hold my boys. In less than a year, I will have my boys home with me for the rest of their lives. Meanwhile, I'm grateful to know that trials come in seasons and this is an opportunity for me to stand in the Lord. How I love Him.

The rest of Brooke Fraser's "Shadowfeet" - the song He had ready for me:

                                                      There's distraction buzzing in my head
                                                      Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
                                                        But I've heard rumors of true reality
                                                               Whispers of a well-lit way

                                                 When the world has fallen out from under me
                                                          I'll be found in you, still standing
                                      When the sky rolls up and the mountains fall on their knees
                                                          When time and space are through
                                                                    I'll be found in you

THE CALL

We have to start with a quick flash back...

It was a typical week night in our apartment this spring... After making a big decision about which agency we would work with, Cary and I had eaten dinner and were sitting on the couch having just finished a video session from the adoption series "If You Were Mine." (Highly recommended.) I was finishing some notes on our study guide. It was pretty late, and we were both feeling a little punchy. The session had in some way touched on decision making, and the types of child care you as a couple are open to/prepared for. I joked with Cary... "Let's just bring home a sibling group of 4 or 5, and then we're done! Instant family." He gave me a you better be joking look and teased back, "No - we'll get twin boys!" I sat back with a grimace - boys are not my comfort zone. And two at once?! But seconds later, I melted. "Awww, think... blue shirt, green pants, green shirt, blue pants! They'd be SO cute!!" Cary rolled his eyes. We cleaned up dinner and called it a night.

The next day I called Susan, our coordinator-to-be, and told her we'd chosen IAG as our adoption agency, and we would mail our application soon. Susan and I talked about what would happen next, beginning our paper work, etc. She told me that IAG's director, Jim, was on his way back from Ethiopia, and that she could send me the IAG waiting list, but it would be updated soon. She said she knew of at least 2 kids to be added to the list; twin infant boys. *My stomach flipped* I asked... "Twin boys? Infants?" She said yes, they had a medical condition that mandated they be added to the waiting list immediately. But sensing the interest in my voice, she cautioned me - every IAG family waiting to bring a child home would get a chance to accept them. (I tried to tell myself that was great. They'd be taken home to a good family - but I also couldn't stop the resonating feeling that these were the boys Cary and I had envisioned last night!)

The next time I talked to Susan about our paperwork, I asked about the twin boys. She told me one of them was sick. *Dismay!* I told her if they needed anything - we could help... Money for treatments, anything... We'd like to know. When Cary got home, I told him the news and that I hadn't heard back from her all day, so I was going to call Susan back. Maybe our church could send money... Maybe she had an update... He told me no - I was already becoming that obnoxious waiting parent we knew we didn't want to be to our coordinator. So we prayed for the boys, and I waited.

                                                               *                          *                        *

We had plans to meet my Dad and Katherine in Roanoke on Thursday, May 24 for a last dinner with Kath before she left for Leadership Project (and to announce that we were starting a family through adoption! This was last post.) A few hours before we were supposed to meet them, I was walking around Pier 1 looking for a wedding gift for a friend, and stuffers for Katherine's gift, when Susan called. Still browsing the store, I picked up the phone. (I imagined we'd probably done something wrong in our paperwork.) Susan asked how I was, etc. And then she asked if we'd be interested in getting more information about the twin boys. I was excited that she'd remembered our interest- "Of course we'd like more information! Is the one who was sick better?" Yes! She kept talking and I became aware that I was talking too loud to be on the phone in a store, so I tried to find a more private area of the store - I was a little distracted. I contemplated putting the sale item in my hand back down, and then decided to just completely focus on the phone call and make shopping decisions later. She was saying "You'll have 5 days..." And I didn't know what she was talking about. "5 days?" I asked. "Yes, 5 days from the time you get our email." "Email...??" I'd missed something. "Yes, the email will share all of the information we have about the boys. We'll send it as soon as we get off the phone. Then you'll have 5 days to think about it and get back to us..." Yikes. This sounded a bit weird. I knew this agency was very careful about the privacy and interest of the orphans they took in. They  only shared information like this if... "Susan-" I interrupted, "Is this a referral?" "Yes!" she said. "This is a referral." (For the twin boys we'd been praying for!) I screamed! I jumped, and made noises I'm glad I can't remember - and then realized I was way too loud to be in a store - people were stopped and staring, and so I ran outside to the sidewalk and called Cary who was at work. He didn't pick up, so I called again. And when he didn't pick up, I called again. And again. Poor guy. When he DID pick up under the assumption this must be an emergency, I sprang the great news on him!! In hind sight... I probably should have waited until we were together in person. :) Over the phone, I felt the color drain from his face when I yelled, "You're gonna be glad you picked up. You wouldn't want to miss that we're getting our babies!" (What?) "We got a referral!!" (Silence.) Ooops. "Hunnee, sorry - let me back up. Are you ok? I didn't know this could happen yet either. But it's for the boys! The twins we've been praying for that we thought we couldn't possibly have! Are you sitting down?" He regained composure. I paced back and forth in front of that glorious Pier 1 display window - it's never looked better - and filled him in. And when he was feeling better and on his way home, I continued pacing while I called my mom.

As I hung up and thought about walking back into the store to make my purchase, wondering if I was as visibly glowing as I felt, a song drifted into my head... "Oh, Lord, You have been good, You have been faithful to all generations." I didn't think much of it. I made my purchase. I drove over to Target to finish getting what I needed. Shopping seems weird on the heels of something so great. As I walked through the aisles, I was thinking, I just want to take off running. I think I could run 5 miles without "growing weary" the way I think the Bible tells us we'll be able to in heaven. And then I thought, I just want to get my hands on someone who knows how crazy it is that we just got this phone call... Someone who would totally GET my joy right now - like Jody Hilt, a mom from our church who not only has been through the same Ethiopian adoption experience, but is headed back to Ethiopia this summer to serve as a missionary for the next 2 years.

I'm learning, folks, don't speak it to God unless you mean it.

I walked toward the sock section, turned the corner, and there sat a wailing Ethiopian child in a cart being consoled by the one and only Jody Hilt! I stopped in my tracks. Jody turned around, and said "Hey." I was thinking... Don't casually "hey" me. I just transported you here through time and space... this is crazy.

"Hey." (I scored zero on social graces here. Pretty sure I made no attempt at how are you? let me introduce myself or ask about the (sister-in-law) standing next to you?) Shameful. "Guess who just called me." Jody looked puzzled. We'd just been at their house a few weeks ago discussing agencies and the beginnings of the adoption process. "Who?" I had zero restraint. "Our coordinator. With a referral." Jody yelled, "Shut up!" Haha. See! She understood how ridiculous - how impossible it all was! She was exactly who I wanted to be standing there with. I continued, "And seriously, Jody, I prayed you here. I JUST said to the Lord, I just wish I could run into Jody Hilt, and... you're here! Seriously, if there's anything you need... tell me. I'm pretty sure anything I pray for right now will happen." After more debriefing, more processing, finding real comfort in her putting her life on hold at that minute to share the moment in mine and enjoying all of her kids who were standing around, chiming in or coming and going, I went to check out.

I had to meet Cary to go tell my Dad we'd decided to start our family by adopting. And to tell him, we already had a referral. Whew!


For the duration of that evening, the same song continued to play in my head. (God even provided music for the most beautiful thing He's done for us.) As I drove to meet up with Cary, I listened to what the words were saying, and was blown away by their truth. I lost it as I sang the refrain.


                                                           Oh Lord, You have been good
                                                  You have been faithful to all generations
                                                            Oh Lord, Your steadfast love
                                                 and tender mercy have been our salvation

                                                       For by Your hand we have been fed
                                                      And by Your Spirit we have been led
                                                                                              -Twila Paris

Over the next 5 days, Cary and I did a lot of praying. I made 32 phone calls. We called doctors, government agencies, social workers, an MD at Veterans Affairs ("The V.A.," easily confused with UVA) and most wanted to be extremely helpful. We asked hard questions. Were we equipped to handle the boys' medical condition? Did we have enough money? Were we ready? I'm being completely truthful when I say, we heard zero "No"s. Not a single one. And I tried to get them. I needed to hear some. But there were none to be had. The more "yes" I heard, the deeper I dug for a "no." But I found none. Every door flung open. God said yes.

And so, on Tuesday, May 29, 2012, we accepted our referral for OUR BOYS. 
Our precious, twin boys. Forever.

(Next post: Our Mighty Men.)