Back Seat: Occupied

My facebook newsfeed has lit up recently with friends who are traveling to Ethiopia to meet/bring their children HOME. I am flooded with appreciation for the way God places orphans in families, for all I've learned about Him since He called us to adopt (pure gold!), and for the joy that it is to have my little ones with me every day.

Over a year ago now, while we were waiting (and WAITING) for "the call" to go and get our boys, I wrote THIS post: Empty Back Seat. Now, here we are - our whole lives whirring by - doing it together, Hill Family of 4.

I'm taking pause today to give thanks and beyond for the following, recognizing how much beauty there is in the present. Lifting up all the moms out there with hearts that are swollen today with the vision God has given them while they still have to wait, and THANK YOU Lord, for my sisters who today get to GO!

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." - James 1:17

Turning 2: Growing up, Up, UP!

A week ago my twins turned 2. 

They were home. 

Cary and I got to wake them up, 

put candles in their pancakes, 

remind them of the love they will always have from their heavenly Father, 

from their family, 

delight in watching them, 

and dream with them about the plan He has for their lives.

So much cause for celebration. 

In the background of all this celebration was the memory of this time 1 year ago. Mixed in with the celebration of life, there was heartache. Separation. Unknowns. Amplifying our joy this year was the memory of scars we'd choose to endure 100 times over for the joy the completion of this adoption story has brought us. For what it taught us about our adoption story.

  Saturday, many of our loved ones gathered to celebrate that with us. 

Empty Back Seat

We have our whole lives ahead of us. Hill Family of 4. 

This morning I practiced my left handed driving. I've been glancing at my rear-view mirror more often these days in anticipation of the big brown eyes that will soon be staring back at me. 

It occurred to me, that there will also be lots of "Mommy" requests from the back seat. 

Mommy, I dropped my toy. Mommy, Zeke has all the crayons, and I need one. 

Mommies have to be able to drive one-handed on special occasions such as these. 

And so, I drove from Orange to Madison with my left hand this morning. Not so bad.  :)

And in these few remaining days of empty back seat, I'll get better.

11:58pm, New Year's Eve

I woke up this morning FEELING you in my arms this morning, my boys. Happy New Year's Eve.

In 2013...

-you will come home

-you will meet the TONS of family who have been waiting to meet you for a long time

-you will both roll over and crawl and walk, and talk!

-you will go to some of our favorite places, like on hikes, and to Washington D.C., and to the Korner Restaurant for ice cream...

-you will smile so much, Mommy will take sooooooo many pictures, and probably not be able to take for granted a single smile in the rest of our 365 days.

This time next year we will be together. You'll be tucked snug in your beds while Mommy and Daddy probably cry about how wonderful that is.

2013 is going to be awesome.

Pre-lims

Ok. Well, first you should know that the weird things pregnant women go through are not completely hormonal. Do you sense a big-whopping-excuse coming on? Yeah, you do. Earlier this month we received news that our official court decree had arrived. The legal process for becoming parents to our boys was over. (We could share all the pictures we want.) That's about the time I lost interest in sharing our story, or being communicative in any way, shape, or form. Life's been hard since we've been back from ET. Our sons are still there. There's no gettin' around it, that makes everything hard.

Today, I'm ready to share pictures of our amazing boys!! -But I CAN'T yet, because you just don't know enough to know how good it all was... So, yes you must read this twin-picture-free post before going on to the one to follow. Just humor me, k?

Now. We're starting on the first day we saw the boys. (Not the first day we arrived in Ethiopia.) There are many details to be filled in, still! But this picture was taken on our flight out of the capitol and up into the northern region of Ethiopia called the Tigray region. The terrain was unbelievable. What an awesome part of the world to discover!

We landed at the Mekele airport, and met the care center director, Tsehaye, who we came to love over our week there. Driving into Mekele we passed men and women in both traditional and western dress walking casually up and down the streets. We rode in Tsehaye's car past gated homes and businesses, make-shift structures, mule-drawn carts, donkeys, and cars alike. We loved it.

We arrived in front of the care center where there were always some passive street dogs to greet us. Looking at the gate, Cary and I had no idea what to expect.

For months we imagined the first meeting with our sons, but we had not anticipated our meeting with all of the other sweet faces of children waiting for families. We walked through the care center doors and were met with a chorus of "Welcome!" followed by each child (ages 3-13) pulling us down to their height to hug and then kiss each side of our face. It was overwhelming to say the least.

The nannies had prepared a traditional coffee ceremony for us - a highlight of Ethiopian culture!

And that's when Tsehaye asked us if we'd like to go upstairs see our boys. Ha! We walked up the stairs and into their room...

And then, we saw them. In person. For the first time.

Merry Christmas Mighty Men

Ezekiel and Gabriel,

It's just after midnight here in the States. Mommy and Daddy watched the clock all (Christmas Eve) day long for when you most likely woke up in Ethiopia, had breakfast, took your first nap on this day we celebrate Christmas - December 25, 2012. We have been praying over you like crazy today. It's been an especially hard day to be apart. We know the nannies in Addis love you and are giving you their best care. We know your heavenly Father loves you abundantly more than even we can. He is with you, and that gives us reason to hope and rejoice. It will be awhile, but you might one day know the same reality that lives in Mommy and Daddy's heart this season: hope, gratitude, joy, anticipation, and nausea. All at the same time. :) When Aunt Addie and Uncle Eli wake up to open presents in a few hours, we will be enjoying every minute of their discoveries, and thinking of you.

Things Mommy saw this Christmas that she wants to always remember:
- Traditions be darned. They can be fun and seem special, but they do not hold (or hardly reflect) the meaning of Christmas. As our family repeats things we enjoy doing together and the giving of gifts, we need to do it with our hands open, remembering how humbly our God came into the world. Mommy wants to remember that we are not entitled to material gifts in the name of Christmas. Salvation is ours. (There's no touching that with the "symbolic" gift of a new-favorite want.) Gifts and traditions were never a part of Christ's first night in Bethlehem. Our family can take them or leave them, but let's not get stuck on them.

-God sent His Son as a baby. Mommy has a new understanding of what a deep act of love this was as she waits for her sweet babies on the other side of an ocean. God sent Jesus, His one son, in this most vulnerable state - turning Him over to the world for a time. What a "gift" this was since God knew our treatment of Him would be far less than what God could offer, and what Jesus deserved. 

-Anticipation is a wonderful thing. It has a purpose, and should not be disregarded or minimized. Addie and Eli went to bed with great anticipation of Christmas morning. We could have said, "Ah, heck. Here are your presents, open them now!" And Eli at least, probably would have jumped at the opportunity. But in the end, we all know that wouldn't have been half of the experience they will have in the morning. Grabbing the things we desire out of turn only decreases our satisfaction in having them. God's timing is perfect. His plans for us are good, and we want to experience them to the full! Your Daddy and I once thought we would NEVER make it through our season of engagement as we longed to be together, to never have to leave one another, and to enjoy our union to the full. We considered rushing a wedding. (We considered cheating on the rules.) We were reminded by loving people that it was God's plan for us to wait on those things and that He was still preparing us to be one in His eyes. We chose to trust Him in the wait, and He sustained us. We are now SO grateful for that season of anticipation, for the growth we had individually with the Lord, for the respect we gained for one another, and for the blessing we've received for honoring Him. Our wait to have you in our arms is HARD, but we are trusting His timing, knowing the blessing to come when we are all together is well worth it, and that it's coming SOON. But there's a greater wait still... For the rest of our time on this earth, we will wait with anticipation for our Savior, whose first coming to this world we celebrate on Christmas, to come for the last time. He will bring the fulfillment of the plan that He began. We will finally see His complete purpose, judgement and will, and be satisfied. So babies, thank you for the opportunity to learn better what our God means for us to know. Thank you for practice walking out the faith we didn't know we had until God used this opportunity to show us. Glean the truth from yo' Mama; anticipation is a wonderful thing, whether you can see it now or not. 

“But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.” - Galatians 4:4

Merry First Christmas, Sweet Boys.

-Love, Your Mama

Makin' it real.

First things first, I know most of you are thinking - you spent a week with your babies, and no pictures yet? Hang tight. I have some serious picture posts ready to go as soon as we get the "clear" from our agency that our court decree has arrived. That's all we're waiting for!! IN the meantime...  a current reflection. ('Cuz after this, we're gonna spend a lot of time on the past most wonderful week of Cary's and my life.)

Long drives are just ripe for the Lord to speak to me. I used to think I would miss those long car rides of think/pray/hear time once Cary and I got married. Turns out, God doesn't slow down on His communication just because there are two of you in the car.

At the VERY beginning of our trip to our boys, we departed Blacksburg to drive home for some visit time before getting a couple hours of sleep and driving to the airport in DC. Cary and I were excited, and - as is typical - non-stop conversing. We were just leaving town when a song I'd heard a few times before on the radio came on. Cary was talking about something I was really enjoying, so I didn't interrupt him, but the words to the chorus just blazed in the background, and my heart swelled a little with their truth, even as he talked.

When we were on the plane just a few hours out from Addis Ababa, our destination, I could no longer sleep but most people around us were doing a good job, so I put on my headphones. My sister made us a special mix for the trip (she's awesome like that), and the second track was the same one I'd heard before. As I focused on the words, my insides started racing, and I knew the Lord was giving me what I like to call a new "theme song." When I try to explain my "theme songs" to people for the first time, I think of Kronk's theme song in "The Emperor's New Groove." (Don't know what I'm talking about? We can't have that. Click HERE.) Before you dismiss me because I'm a person who apparently feels self-important enough to have her own theme songs, let me try to explain? Beginning in high school, over some of the most formative years of my faith I did a lot of talking to the Lord, and He sometimes responded in the timely drop of a certain song. When I heard it, I knew He was speaking to me through it, and I would cling to it for that season, trying to glean all of the truth in it He had for me to apply to that point in life. The songs seemed so central to the season I was in, they felt like life-themes for that time. Thus, my "theme songs" began, a list which now seems pretty special since I can kind of trace the things I was learning with and about God through it. Ok, moving on...

This season the words to my theme song have been encouraging, and (most recently) pretty convicting. I don't know about you, but now that I have been doing some of the same jobs/ministries for consecutive years, I've discovered an auto-pilot setting that can get me in trouble. Ex: It's possible to teach an entire 6th grade band class without investing the heart I have in the past, and get a similar result. It's possible to smile at a student who needs a smile, without actually feeling compassion for them. It's possible to "take the higher road" in response to a co-worker, look like I've done the bigger thing, but still feel resentment inside. And those things are wrong. The truth that the Lord is pressing upon me is, the THINGS that I do don't matter if I'm not sincere in my heart. If I do the right thing, but don't mean it in the deepest part of my soul, I may as well not have done it. Our God is not a god of deeds. He is a God of love. 1 John 4:8 says, "Whoever does not know love does not know God, because God is love." I deeply, sincerely want the things I'm doing with my life to please God. And for that to happen, I've got to be doing them out of my love for Him. I sometimes forget that when I choose to simply go through the motions, or to reserve a below-the-surface opinion for myself, He is not pleased, but He's shaking that up.

Thank You, Lord for calling me out on this. Thank You for sparing me a lot of action for nothing. I'm asking for the increased desire to keep doing the things You've called me to purely out of my love for You.

Enjoy the lyrics to this song by "For King and Country," (or just listen HERE), and see if they don't stir you to sincerity.

The Proof Of Your Love

If I sing but don't have love
I waste my breathe with every song
I bring, an empty voice
A hollow noise

If I speak with a silver tongue
Convince a crowd but don't have love
I leave a bitter taste
With every word I say

(Chorus)
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You're made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

If I give to a needy soul
But don't have love then who is poor
It seems all the poverty
Is found in me

(Chorus)

When it's all said and done
When we sing our final song
Only love remains
Only love remains

(Chorus)

Victory = Not Mine = Mine Anyways

"In every victory, let it be said of me, my source of strength, my source of hope, is Christ the Lord."

T-minus 10 days, and we depart for the soil where our family is physically united for the first time. 10 days. It's 9pm. Almost 9 days. Whhhhhy, is the bottom of my heart giving out now??? It was one of those Mondays at school. I just couldn't get in grace-mode. I found myself snapping and wishing I hadn't. I kept trying to evaluate my heart, asking, What is going on in there? I was looking forward to fellowship in housegroup later this evening, and made multiple attempts to move my outlook forward. Finally, when the day ended, I realized, I just felt sad. Something about knowing that I REALLY WILL get HOLD my boys, IN MY ARMS, in 10 days, has brought our life-situation to a new level of tangible. And all I can feel is how far away they are. And it feels like I might die.

My plan was to get groceries on the way home and make dinner before housegroup. But the task seemed so miserable. I am not a Walmart hater, but I decided to go elsewhere since my mood was already so foul. I headed for Target, but I wasn't ready to go there either. I pulled into the Pier1 parking lot. Let me tell ya... Cary and I are just 3 years in to building a life together. We've never been shopper/spenders. BUT, for the past 8 months, we stopped spending completely. It's been that long since I set foot into a store like Pier1, and I decided today was the day. The delicate balance of rustic and glitter holiday decor was kind of breathtaking, but mostly it felt good to float around in quiet seclusion so I could think. I kept thinking of the possible calamities I'm capable of... Forgetting a passport. Getting sick enough to get thrown off a plane. Oversleeping. And the detriment that those things would mean for our family which would then not be united in 10 days. Oi.

I got to the back of the store where there are some inexpensive photo frames that only poor college students like former-me buy since they can't afford anything else in the store. I knelt down into the familiarity of those days when I was single, had no idea where life was headed, just enjoying simple combinations of hand-painted wood and knock-off mosaics I could afford. How much my heart has swelled since then. I noticed these two little birds - one green, one blue - the shades we've chosen for the boys' room. They had spiral wire picture holders above them. Huh. For some reason, I loved them. I was reminded of the verse referenced in the song I've been skipping every day on the cd I'm listening to. "His eye is on the sparrow..." I didn't want to hear it in the cliche sense, but I did feel that these little birdy treasures in my boys' colors were just for me to find. I picked them up and carried them around until I'd had enough quiet sorting time.

After regrouping, getting groceries and getting over the fact that I didn't get it all done in time for housegroup, it was dark and I drove home in the rain. Just before I pulled into the driveway, I tuned back into the song that had come on the radio - an oldie. This line popped out: 

"In every victory, let it be said of me, my source of strength, my source of hope, is Christ the Lord."

As I carried groceries inside, the truth of this statement sank in. I can't help asking how I will get through the next 9 days, but I have heard an answer. The Lord will be my source. Supposing 10 days from now all is well and we're stepping on that joyous plane (having not overslept, or forgotten something crucial, or gotten kicked off our flight, or just melted away...) I can say with certainty that it's a victory, and my source is Christ, the Lord.

By the Seat of My Pants

Let me tell you... (That's the way a miserably awkward forensics piece I once attempted all because I had a crush and wanted to feel cooler than I am, began. Miserably awkward, but a story for another day.) I do not fly by the seat of my pants. At least, not by choice. And yet, yes I do. (In fact, now that I think about it, my forensics category was... extemporaneous speaking. And sometimes I doubled in the category called, "Impromptu." I assure you, this is all irony at its best.)

I am a perfectionist. Type A. (Neat and capitalized, please.) I crave order. Perfection. Control. For things to be RIGHT! And over the last... (9?) years of my life, the Lord has gently been prying my little ghastly white fingers out of the tight grip that probably isn't good for them. (And yet, I'm holding on...) My idea of a success is when we see a need, begin with a plan, expound and execute said plan, and carry it out to the T. Hey, I can back this approach up; the drive for excellence is biblical! But... as with all things, when my need for control outweighs my dependency on the Lord, there's trouble amuck.

On my current docket is my full time band directing gig - the concerts, the trips, the jazz band and their dances, the 4,000 purchase orders, -oh, and turning absolute beginners into well-rounded musicians. Piano and voice lessons (a highlight of my day - I have some fabulous young worship leaders in the making), children's choir at church, our teen group "Jubilee," sons who are in Ethiopia waiting for their Mommy and Daddy to come and get them, and the concert (1 week from today) of some of my original songs, minus some musicians I wish I'd asked to join us 3 months ago ...and sometimes I try to blog. So these days, I am in the middle of organizing an event I wish I'd planned better when I am struck with a detail that will surely add to--a different event I have not thoroughly thought through. I'm bouncing back and forth. I'm multi-tasking. (Not my gift.) I'm putting everything I've got in. (To six different life categories.) And so, the honest truth may be that I can't really ace all of it at once. (Still, I'm trying. Real hard.)

Take, for instance, this concert that we are putting together. (A celebration of our adoption. A support raising event, and a lifelong dream of mine come true.) ...So you'd probably think that details on my end are pretty together, right? The concert in my hometown takes place a week from today. I have friends there who have bent over backwards - gone completely out of their way to take care of setup details, childcare, an unbelievable refreshment spread and decorations... And yet somehow I find myself waking up first thing in the morning with the realization that I never told the sound guy (who has volunteered his personal time/skills, by the way), that there will be a guitar. An easy fix, except that by the time I get out of bed and across the room, I've remembered 3 other long lost details, and forgotten the original one I set off across the room to take care of. Then that happens 5 more times before I'm on my way to work. (Oh, and on my way to work? I start writing a new song. And I feel sure, of course, that it is necessary for the concert in a week. WHY????) And so, things ARE coming together, but it feels like I'm flying... you've got it: by the seat of my pants. And that is NOT how I roll. And yet... yes, it is.

There is joy in knowing this is just a season. One ...or a hundred person(s) might have mentioned that "things only get busier when you have children." But not for this Momma. This Momma is maxing out the productive pieces of her life - enjoying them while she can, but pushing toward the goal line UNTIL she gets her sweet, sweet babies home. And then, everything else fades to the background. I may or may not do any of it. But I WILL have time to sit still with, and love on my boys. And that will be it. And I will plan our days out when I want to, and I will carry out said plans to the T... Or I might just let that whole perfection thing go, too.

This is just a season, and there's joy in knowing it.

Streams of Consciousness...

Today was rainy, cloudy, coldish... just like it has felt and will feel in Ethiopia for this 2-3 month rain season.

My boys are probably in their crib. There's probably a nanny walking around, feeding another little one close by. I wonder if they're more aware of her, or of one another. I wonder if they're laying close enough to touch.

I wonder what things they've never seen or heard. If they ever go outside. If anyone reads to them. I know those sweet nannies pick them up and talk to them. I wonder if they flip the pages of the recordable book we sent so our boys can hear our voices.

I KNOW their little cheeks are pudgy and soft. So kissable. I wonder what the newest part of their world is... if they've noticed the colors of their crib, blanket, ceiling... If they perceive more of what they hear today than they did yesterday. I wonder what the first song they ever heard was.

I wonder if my heart can be any fuller. Hearts can be full of lots of things. Hearts don't explode. But, probably can't be any fuller? Maybe they just change from being full of hope, worry, excitement, to full of realized hope, different worries, more excitement...

I wonder how often my boys cry. I wonder what it sounds like.

I wonder how much of this I'll remember. If this season will just be some miserable little blur in our history, or if I'll look back and treasure what the Lord was doing inside of me in the months that felt like years before the LIFETIME with my boys began.

Sweet Jesus, be so near them today. Let them sense You in the sounds they hear, and in the details they're beginning to be able to appreciate. Let me love that You are with them while I am not. Thanks for making those little cheeks so pudgy, and those little toes so small. Thanks for being so tangibly close to me tonight.

Thanks for some encouraging messsages since my last post. There's no time for feeling low these days, because we have entered the era of FUNDRAISING! Here's the thing. I don't think I like fundraising. -Can't be sure, because I know little about it. But I hate thinking about money, and I really hate thinking about other people's money. But the good news is, this fundraising thing MUST begin and end pretty quickly, and I know the Lord never starts something He will not provide abundantly for.

The latest from our adoption coordinator (whom I love!) is... When Ethiopian courts reopen in October, we should get our date pretty soon. All paperwork is received in order of arrival even while courts are closed, so... we still have a shot at a November court date! (Ahhhhhhh!)

When I got off the phone with this news, and shared it at high frequency while jumping up and down with Cary, his first response came with a solemn (pale?) face: "Then we have to raise $20,000 by November." To which I continued jumping up and down, squealing, "We might see the boys in NoVEMber!!"

Thus, the commencement of our short (and... fundamentally important) fundraising season.

Fundraiser #1: A social media event. At the website below, we are launching a $2 for 2 campaign. The idea is that if everyone we know across the waves of this crazy internet world gives $1 for each of the boys, we'll raise a lot - and no one is really out anything they might not lose in the couch, anyways! If THEY ask all of the people they know across the crazy waves of this... ok, you get the picture... think how much we could raise! So please... Would you share your $1 with each of my precious itty bitty kissable-cheeked twins? Would you ask your friends to do the same? Because if you would, the possibilities are endless.

http://give2savetwo.blogspot.com/p/2-for-two.html

A $2 investment makes you part of something BIG. Our family will always be grateful.

Lows...

Adoption and pregnancy are really similar in some ways, but this week I've been stuck in the differences. My boys are out there in the world, and there's not a thing I can do to reach out and shape the way their concept of the world is developing. This week, all that I can't do for them has been so tangible, which brings on the lowest of the lows... like this morning.

I can't stop singing to my boys. For my boys. Always singing. And it's doing nothing for them. When you're carrying a baby, research shows that they're impacted by what they hear and feel. It's a beautiful, bonding thing. It must feel good to be doing something you love and to know at the same time you're serving the little person you've never held but care most about already. I love singing songs for my babies. This JJ Heller album "When I'm With You," is just killing me - it's always stuck in my head, and my maternal heart is just gushing song. But they don't know. They can't hear or feel it. So when I sing for them, the best thing I can do is trust that the Lord is preparing my heart, and working through the sounds and feelings I have. At best, I can be sure of Zephaniah 3:17 - My God, who is ever present with my boys, is rejoicing over them like the scripture says - "with singing."

Still, I'm wrestling hard.

"...Think on THESE things..."

Update: Our homestudy has been finalized. (Dossier complete!) Paperwork done. We are so thankful!

Next update: The day after we found out our homestudy was finalized, Ethiopian courts shut down for their rain season. (Not so thankful.) We're trusting that this is God's timing. Courts will reopen in October when we will be able to submit our paperwork to get a court date.

In the meantime, there's no more paperwork! We can do nothing that makes me feel like it's getting us to the boys sooner. And that's hard. So I thought today would be a good day to spend some time reflecting on the progress that HAS been made. It was last November when we first considered adoption, and we've known our boys were our boys for less than 3 months. (So how can I already be this desperate to get to them?!) I can't wait until we can share photos of our "Mighty Men." (Seriously, there is nothing cuter than these two; their petite little mouths and their chubby little cheeks. Not that I've been studying those pictures or anything...) So, for today: a photo blog.

The first action: applying to IAG

Our first date night spent in the B&N children's book section.

(I learned that our kids will be the luckiest ever, because nobody makes

"But Not the Hippopotamus" as funny as their dad does.)

Our First Purchase for the Twins

Then we started seeing the world in twin...

 

We sent our homestudy application to FFASVA

We hit some financial lows, so I made comfort food

 

(Ok, a lot of comfort food)

We moved out of our apartment of 3 years and into the house of some dear friends from church

 

We cranked out paperwork (and checks) like it was our job

Holding onesies to see how big the boys are!

We got to create our first care package to send to the boys in Mekele!

(Recording our voices on an audio book.)

 

 

And now, the care package is here. With the rest of my heart.