So, in the midst of our last night to pack up everything in our house, we're finishing a dessert break (because I have to eat something like chocolate pie every night, even in the middle of a messy final round of packing - don't judge me). As we've house hunted for rentals (and come up dry), then accepted an offer to live in the home of a cool Blacksburg family who will be traveling for 2 months, I've had visions for future blog posts about the empowerment of living out God's will. The whimsical rush that it is to live in utter dependence on the Lord. (Insert other inspirations and sugar plum fairies here.) But recently, (ok, this morning) I had a breakdown. There's something to the smack of reality - especially when reality is that you have no place of permanence, no roof that belongs to you, no evidence of your own financial responsibility... that brings you to a whole new realization of helpless powerlessness. Or maybe that's just me. Somewhere in the middle of pulling everything off of shelves and out of closets just to wonder at how much we have, preparing to squeeze it all into a 5x10 storage unit (at which point I contemplated changing my mind about our excess) and then replaying the reality that our next residence (when this cool family comes back) is still an unknown, so we must secure one in the next 2 weeks, I took a fresh perspective on just how airy and unpredictable this season of over a year now has been for us. It freaked me out. I started grasping for some control, throwing questions at an unsuspecting husband who had no idea I'd taken an emotional side-road... that I was going down, and ready to take him with me.
How did we get here? When did we as a couple decide to step out on financial non-logic, to trust we'd be given things WE didn't have a means to get, and just keep on paddlin'? We are SO not people who make faulty non-logical decisions! I am so not a girl who lives without a plan! Crazy thing is, in each of these decisions, we've had total peace. And up until this point, everything we've needed has been provided, but we all know there's an end to every rope, and I sensed threads...
The thing about being at home all the time now, is there is no other reality for me to snap in and out of. So when things feel amuck, and I can't control them, I find myself with much more time to cycle through them than I've had in the past, which makes my perception of the looming problem a little more suffocating. Talking to Cary made me realize that being the guy who is balancing work and home life, and who does feel reponsible for calling the shots doesn't feel so hot, either. Oi.
After confessing that all things considered, we both were feeling a little over our heads, we agreed that we were listening to God's call, still trusted Him, hugged it out, Cary went back to work, and I stopped crying.
Then, the Lord did what the Lord always does. I opened my email, and had a note from a church member offering a truck for our move (that we never thought to ask for but could definitely use). I was so encouraged, and called Cary to share the good news. While on the phone, an unknown number was beeping in. I told Cary I should take it in case it was more help- (haha). But it was. Another sweet member of the body of Christ was at my door with boxes. After some packing, I opened my email and read the church bylines that had just popped in. At the top was a verse that read, "And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:19)
Heard enough? That's how He rolls, yall. All the time. Even after raising $38,000 for you to get your twin boys home, providing a home for that fundraising stint, providing a short-term home when that stint is over but you're still houseless, knowing you'll just turn around and need one again. Even when you appear to have forgotten that He just carried you, so you really have no reason to doubt His provision. (When will I stop being surprised by His unmeasurable goodness?) Our God has not be worn down by our need. He is faithful. Again and again.
How did we get here? When did we as a couple decide to step out on financial non-logic, to trust we'd be given things WE didn't have a means to get, and just keep on paddlin'? We are SO not people who make faulty non-logical decisions! I am so not a girl who lives without a plan! Crazy thing is, in each of these decisions, we've had total peace. And up until this point, everything we've needed has been provided, but we all know there's an end to every rope, and I sensed threads...
The thing about being at home all the time now, is there is no other reality for me to snap in and out of. So when things feel amuck, and I can't control them, I find myself with much more time to cycle through them than I've had in the past, which makes my perception of the looming problem a little more suffocating. Talking to Cary made me realize that being the guy who is balancing work and home life, and who does feel reponsible for calling the shots doesn't feel so hot, either. Oi.
After confessing that all things considered, we both were feeling a little over our heads, we agreed that we were listening to God's call, still trusted Him, hugged it out, Cary went back to work, and I stopped crying.
Then, the Lord did what the Lord always does. I opened my email, and had a note from a church member offering a truck for our move (that we never thought to ask for but could definitely use). I was so encouraged, and called Cary to share the good news. While on the phone, an unknown number was beeping in. I told Cary I should take it in case it was more help- (haha). But it was. Another sweet member of the body of Christ was at my door with boxes. After some packing, I opened my email and read the church bylines that had just popped in. At the top was a verse that read, "And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:19)
Heard enough? That's how He rolls, yall. All the time. Even after raising $38,000 for you to get your twin boys home, providing a home for that fundraising stint, providing a short-term home when that stint is over but you're still houseless, knowing you'll just turn around and need one again. Even when you appear to have forgotten that He just carried you, so you really have no reason to doubt His provision. (When will I stop being surprised by His unmeasurable goodness?) Our God has not be worn down by our need. He is faithful. Again and again.
This post totally hit home with me! I understand how it can feel so unstable at times, but thanks for sharing your great perspective with me. I'll pray for y'all to find an awesome place to live, too
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jessamyn!
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