Monday, August 13, 2012

Getting To Know This Pit in My Stomach

Alright. I haven't gotten to blog in awhile, because the back-to-school pace has taken off (dragging me like a kid whose backpack got stuck in the mini-van door) behind it. Nice, right? And then when I've had a second to spare, I haven't wanted to write. I haven't wanted to look at the gray thoughts in the back of my head. Is that not enough to make you want to join this psyche? Come on in...

Today after I was rudely gestured at for crossing the crazy Walmart parking lot after grabbing groceries two hours later than I meant to because I stayed at school 2 hours longer than I wanted to (and STILL didn't get my bulletin board finished- grrrrr...), I piled my groceries in the trunk on top of my husband's mobile tool workshop (I forgot I was in his car, because he took it to replace my tires - oh, and we were told this morning that in addition to replacing my tires and doing an alignment, we'd need to replace the tie rods - $1000 of almost adoption savings down the drain), God had a message ready for me, and as soon as I turned the ignition, this chorus came across the radio:

                                            "When the world has fallen out from under me, 
                                                        I'll be found in You, still standing."

 My boys turn 6 months old next week. Life is whirling pretty fast, but at the root of my stress is actually the knowledge that my boys are turning 6 months old... without me. At 6 months old babies are exploring their world. They're thinking about rolling over. They're making new noises, they're starting to study the faces of the people around them, and to enjoy interaction. I know that God's timing is perfect. I know they're getting good care. I should be so entirely distracted with more on my plate than I know what to do with. And yet, as of late, my thinking goes a little like this...

Need to copy the 6th grade handbooks that are on the printer and come up with an opening activity for my advisory. Still gotta do that bulletin board. My almost 6-month old boys are on another continent. BCC choir camp this weekend - need to gather plans for that tonight. The boys are healthy. Growing bigger all the time - which is good. Still haven't heard back about a schedule for children's choir at church, and I need to make song sheets for the first set I know I want to do with the teens. Man - I really need to sit down and start planning for those first teen meetings - I've had so many ideas. The boys don't know what I look like yet. Gotta dig in and do the things I'm supposed to do now, well. Gotta leave school stuff here. I'll grab groceries and make one of Cary's favorite meals to start off the week - I'll make tonight sort of representative of the way I want the year to feel. Home in the afternoons, cooking most nights, down-time... I need to get to bed early tonight since I'll want to be at school early on the first day. It's 5:00 and I'm still at Walmart. Never gonna happen. I just want to go lay in bed and look at their picture. Do I have time to cry it out? I wonder if anyone has posted new pictures on the agency website. I'm going to check before I make dinner. I'll probably lose 30 minutes. Probably no picture. Dinner, dinner... getting the evening done as quick as possible so we can go to bed early. Totally going to go looking for a picture.

Well, the bouncing thoughts from my zillions of undone tasks to my boys are endless - and I'm not sorry. It's kind of comforting to have the thought of my boys so close. Even if each time I think of them I feel a little bit sick to my stomach. This is only a season. I can taste the fact that it's going to end. While I'm starting to think I may be nauseous for every last minute of the rest of it, seasons of mourning are followed by seasons of light. (I read about that very thing this morning in Esther; the Jews were praying God would deliver them from the their impending genocide. They were weeping and mourning. And then one day, the news came. He delivered them! And they were instantly entered into a season of "gladness, light, joy, and honor." - Esther 8:16) There are people carrying far bigger hurts than my wishing I could hold my boys. In less than a year, I will have my boys home with me for the rest of their lives. Meanwhile, I'm grateful to know that trials come in seasons and this is an opportunity for me to stand in the Lord. How I love Him.

The rest of Brooke Fraser's "Shadowfeet" - the song He had ready for me:

                                                      There's distraction buzzing in my head
                                                      Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
                                                        But I've heard rumors of true reality
                                                               Whispers of a well-lit way

                                                 When the world has fallen out from under me
                                                          I'll be found in you, still standing
                                      When the sky rolls up and the mountains fall on their knees
                                                          When time and space are through
                                                                    I'll be found in you


  1. Amy- LOVE your honesty! And I LOVE how God comes and speaks to us (sometimes through the radio) right in the spot in our heart we need. Praying for you and all that is on your plate right now. He will provide and carry you through~

  2. Welcome to motherhood, dearest. You will get to know that pit in your stomach so very well, for the rest of your life! It's a special place God placed in us for our children, and as you've discovered, a special place He meets us to draw us to Himself. Great God, yes? Love you!