Thursday, May 30, 2013

Mornings Worth Stopping For


You are in the next room just falling into deep sleep for your late morning nap. We woke up a little late this morning (Mom and Gabe have colds), had a nice breakfast in front of the window, enjoyed some floor time, and then sooner than expected you started giving me your sleepy signs (eye rubbing, yawning, sucking on those sweet little fingers, and Gabe now lays down on the floor sucking those fingers for short intervals before picking up where he left off playing). It's pretty typical for you to crash at the same time, but since I can't get up with all 40 sleeping pounds of you after you've both fallen asleep on me at the same time, I try to rock one of you at a time these days. I picked up Gabe who usually falls asleep fastest, but after playing our "nose, eyes, mouth..." game, Gabe was still pretty curious about what Zeke was playing with on the floor. I set Gabe back down and picked up a warm-smiley Zeke bug. But after cuddling a little, Zeke kept reaching for Gabe. So I set Zeke back down, and you both just sat there on the floor sucking those fingers and looking up at me expectantly. (So darn cute, you are.) So... everybody got to rock in the chair together, even though you both wanted to cuddle - and play - and then cuddle - and then play. Some days I start to stress over delayed naps or not knowing what I'll do with you when you're passed out on me for 2 hours, but today I felt the Lord remind me that this is my only real job; to rock you both when you want to be rocked together, to soak in our time together. There's nothing more important than that today, and how thankful I am that He silenced all the other voices in my head this morning.

I just rocked you and breathed in your sweet baby smell, those soft chunky thighs, the wiggly toes under the adorable little socks that match your orange onesies and overall shorts this morning. I prayed that I will remember the shapes of your full little faces at this stage, your sweetest expressions... There's no feeling like two of the sweetest babies I've ever seen relaxed and sprawled out across me. Nothing seems as funny as when one of you starts a subtle kicking of the other, or little love-pats to make sure no one falls asleep yet. The sound of your little giggles being passed back and forth, your little sighs... it's too much. This Mama is more blessed than she deserves. As I realized that this morning, the same song came on our playlist as the first time I felt overwhelmed with how much I don't deserve you, how I couldn't love you more, how glad I am that your Creator does, and that I can trust Him to be for you the things I can't. (The first time this all sank in was on our ride home from the airport as I stared at your beautiful selves in your carseats, as I cried over the fever little Gabe had spiked, as I knew I'd never loved anyone the way I love the two of you, and realized I still couldn't be all that I want to be for you.) Luckily that time, I had my Mama by my side to stroke my hair as tears of joy and fear flowed. This time, it was just the three of us, and I got to stroke your little heads while Matt Hammit's, "I Couldn't Love You More" played over us and the same emotions surged. Sweet babies, nothing is as precious to me as you are.

Sleep well, but wake up soon.

Love always,
Your Mommy

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